Dissociative Episode #3

(The actual number is higher.)

I was at the coffee shop at 4:30 reading a blog. I got up for the bathroom and there were odd sensations or something visual when I close my eyes. I’m thinking Fuck! Not the aura. Not a dissociative episode. Then there it was, just a tiny flash, but I knew the whole, big, curvy glitter ball was on its way. Fuck.

So I knew that I wanted was to get home ASAP. It’s only 5 blocks. I packed my stuff up and got in the car. I noticed that some vision was blocked, but I was going while I could. I was buying myself time. Otherwise I lose too much vision and have to wait many minutes for it to go away. The dissociation follows close after my sight clears up. Then I really struggle to get home and manage it.

As I was driving I continued reminding myself that I knew what’s happening and I knew how to manage it. “I can do this without an overnight hospital stay this time.”

I got home and in the house okay, hustling myself to my rooms.

I hadn’t been there long at all when my phone rang. It was someone trusted and dear whom I really wanted to talk with. I was still present for the conversation and enjoyed it.

I had to come back down to the kitchen and the housies were there. I just wanted to make a quick grab and run back up. Housie asked me a question. I looked at her and didn’t recognize her or understand her. I asked her to repeat, realized it was something about laundry and said yeah. I fled.

I ate a little of a dish for supper, but I felt somewhat nauseous and headachy and couldn’t finish it. The only thing I could consume was water, in small sips.

I sat still in my recliner, keeping my eyes closed and sound minimal. Usually after the glitter disappears a gray area moves in like a fog to blot out 1/3 to 1/4 of my field of vision. It eases away after 15-30 minutes.

The gray was gone, though I was focused on staying present.

“Okay, I’m still here. I know what is happening. I know how to cope. I have a big, smart brain that works and I/We can get through this.”

I frowned hard, squinted my eyes and strained to focus. It took a great deal of energy to figuratively keep my feet under me.

My phone rang again. It was my favorite sister-in-law, Cheryl in Denver. She’s been struggling with some serious health issues, including MS, for quite some time. She and I were college friends and share an athletic background. That gives us a simplicity of language and an additional closeness due to our shared experiences.

It was not the time I wanted to have a long and intimate conversation with her, but that only happens a couple of times annually. I did pretty well. I was coherent, a good listener, empathetic, understanding.

I did well for the first 20 minutes of the conversation. Suddenly, in mid sentence, my vocabulary deserted me. I could find and speak the first short and simple words of the sentence, but the closing was not anywhere I looked. I tried the sort of mumble/jumble until the correct word flashed, or anything close to it. It never came. I’m certain I uttered a few of the most discombobulated sentences ever. So I got off the phone fast.

I wondered if I Katy and Cheryl really had called. Beginning with the onset of the aura, everything was very confusing. What was real? I didn’t know. I realized that the information was recorded on my phone and I could check Recent Calls. I didn’t have the energy to do so.

I stayed in the chair the rest of the night, with only a couple of trips to the bathroom interspersed. I did not interact with anyone else for the rest of the night.

About 10:30 the nausea had subsided and I felt hungry. I ate the rest of the dish I’d started earlier. It was good and I felt better. I began to feel a little more confident that I was going to be okay.

I still felt odd: Not completely real, not completely present, not fitting in my space, feeling foreign. I knew that I was in my private rooms of the past 3 1/ 2 years, but I also had the sense of an impostor. I believed it would pass.

I checked the Recent Calls and was relieved to find that my recall of the phone conversations was accurate.

I went to bed at midnight, 1 1/2 hours earlier than usual.

I woke after 9 hours sound sleep and felt  very good! In previous Diss Episodes, I’ve been wiped out for the entire following day. I did it.

I DID IT!!!!!! I did it. I managed my Diss Epi. No hospitals. No days lost. It was a 10 hour effort. And I Did It.

The fact is that not every D E is the same. I am  so lucky that I have had a glimmer of consciousness during most of my DEs. That’s what has enabled me to learn how to manage them. That and marvelous help – therapists, medical people, friends, loved ones, groups, support, and even people who have no idea they made a difference in my life.

I want to be cognizant that there will likely be future DEs. Those DEs may be more or less severe and hospitalization may be required. Nonetheless, I am

CELEBRATING THE RESULTS of THIS EPISODE!!!

I    Did    It!!!         Woo-hooooooo!!!!